This is taken from a novel I have written about what happened to the disciples after Jesus died called 'Third Star'. This is a conversation between Peter and other disciples in which Peter tells of his betrayal of Christ. It is told from John's point of view.
Peter was also depressed, but for a different reason. It was after lunchtime, although Mary had refused to join us and stayed in her room. We hadn’t much to eat, but a few fish and unleavened bread. Most of the disciples left the table, save for Peter, his brother Andrew, Thomas and I.
“Have you any idea how it is for me?” he said in anguish. He was not one to demand attention, so his outburst surprised me greatly. “I am sorry. Everyone is hurting,” he replied in his usual calm voice and he got up to leave, but his brother caught his arm.
“What happened, Peter?” he asked, frustrated. He had sense something was especially wrong with Peter.
“We are your closest friends, we can help,” I insisted.
“Can you erase my sin? Can you stop the sands of time and make them fall to the sky?”
“Peter, you obviously have something on your mind. You cannot expect sympathy from ignorant people,” I said in a whisper.
“I denied him.”
“What do you mean?” Thomas asked.
Peter continued, as if he hadn’t heard the query, since his mind had elapsed back to the incident and it was as if we were not in the room with him anymore. “And it was not just a slip of the tongue. I denied him three times and I was well aware of what I was doing. Being afraid is one thing, but disloyalty to God is quite another. I can still hear the cock crowing in my mind.”
“What cock? Honestly Peter, start from the beginning and make sense!” I said, desperately.
He came out of his trance-like state of mind and turned to me with an intense stare. “The high priests caught me yesterday. I was on the edge of the crowd and they pulled me roughly away to question me. I was too afraid to cry out, I knew that would just make things worse.
“Do you remember what Jesus had said- that I would deny him three times before the cock crowed? Well, I did, and he knew all along that I would let him down and yet he loved me all this time. He sat there calmly foretelling my destiny and explaining my shameful treachery to you all and he forgave me before it even happened without a second thought. I lied to the priest officials, so they would let me go. They recognised my face and…and I panicked, I suppose. I listened to my fear and not to my heart. I was a fool and a coward. And, they believed me. It was so easy, but lies are often easier than the truth. Well, easier at the time, but then in the long run, they hurt more. Dying then would have been a blessing compared to the pain I am in now. I heard a cock crowing. It was quiet as it was in the distance, but it pounded in my head and became ear-piercingly loud. I feel to my knees and wept bitterly. I am not proud of what I have done.”
There was a pause. I then said, “God chose to test you. He tested Judas. Had you been Judas, you would not have failed. Judas’ sin was far greater than your own. God chose to test me. I failed and ran away. I came back, but it was little comfort. Had I been in your place, I have no guarantee than I too would not have forsaken my beliefs for the sake of my life. God has a reason for you to still be alive…” I stopped myself. I was contradicting myself. I had just said to everyone how none of us had any purpose to our lives anymore and yet here I was saying there was a reason that we had not been captured by the Jewish authorities. It was almost habitual to reassure others just as Jesus used to reassure us.
“Maybe I don’t want to be alive,” he muttered.
“It is not for you to decide when your life will end. We all have to help each other through this hard time. My brother taught me that last night. He is becoming a very wise young man,” I smiled weakly at James, who blushed, then said:
“Jesus forgives all those who repent for their sins and you have clearly done that. He forgave you before you even committed the sin let alone apologised for it. Don’t you see? He loves you so much that he forgave you unconditionally and accepted the fact that you would betray him.”
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